Current Events and Thoughts about Disfellowshipping...
1/5/2004
Mom called one time, I believe, if I remember correctly, to tell me that Grama Batch could use a card because she had been in the hospital. I had already sent one a week before, which of course mom didn't know about bc I'm sure Aunt Ruthie threw it out before Grama even had a chance to read it herself, and I'm sure didn't bother to mention to mom. Other than that time, mom hasn't called at all, I don't think. I've called over there a few times, to see how they were doing. Dad especially, since he had a heart attack last year. I really wish we could talk more, and be a real family - it really hurts that she doesn't call but she calls Alicia. It just doesn't make sense. I'm tired of this emotional blackmail. She sent Jordan some money several months ago, which was nice. (didn't mention me in the card at all) And then surprised me with $50 which Alicia brought with her when she visited last summer. I called mom and dad and told them thanks. And then about a month ago, she sent a weird card with a blond joke on it to Jordan, with some money, and a short letter. (no mention of me at all) I told Jordan it was up to him if he wanted to write back. Then for their anniversary Alicia and I went in together to get them a CD player, and I sent that off with an anniversary card. Jordan wrote a little thank you note, and answered some of gramas questions. I basically just said that if they wanted to know anything about me they have my phone number and address and all they had to do was ask. I also said that it was sad they they chose to push me out of their life, that I loved them both. I said that if they ever decided to be proud of me for who and what I am instead of trying to tell me what to think or how to live, then I would be happy to talk with them. No response, of course, about that - but they did send a thank you card saying they were thrilled about the present. No "we love you" or denying the fact that they're pushing me away, or even asking how I was or what I'm doing these days. I am so angry, but I am also hurt, and just don't even want to talk to them, if they don't want to talk to me, or don't even care what I think or how I'm feeling. All they care about is that I'm not a JW and don't want to be. That's all that matters. The fact that Alicia technically is still a JW (hasn't been Dfd), even though she is obviously not living as one and feels like I do about it, apparently is enough to keep mom calling Alicia, but not me. Whatever.
Teresa and Shelby just left after spending a few days here right after Xmas. We had so much fun! It was nice to have family to share it with, and it was so fun to watch Jordan and Shelby, because they are so much alike. They're growing up so fast!
I've been working full time for six months now, and it's okay. Making some money, but not much. Had had the chance to tell some people at work about the JW thing though, which is a relief sometimes. I don't think they really understand that it is a cult though. And most of them are religious, which makes me want to grit my teeth, because I have to keep holding my tongue when I really feel like saying something like, How can you believe that crap they tell you? What gives you the right to put down people who don't go to church?
1/13/03
Wow! It's been awhile since I posted to this site. I just wanted to mention that things have changed a bit since when I began this site. First of all, I now no longer attend any church, or religions meetings. I've decided that even though I did enjoy attending Calvary Chapel in the past, I'm not interested in religion anymore. Even after being "saved" it just never felt right. I felt like it was all fake. (click here to read about my "saving" experience last week) When praying, I felt like I was talking to an imaginary friend. And I really think that is what God is. I am tired of basing my decisions on what some imaginary person/thing may or may not want me to do. I am tired of blaming/crediting God or Satan for eveything that happens, whether good or bad. From this moment on, I am taking responsibility for my own life, and I truly believe that one can be a good person, and have good morals, without a religion to decide what those morals are. We have brains - why not use them? Now, I realize that the majority of people out there do believe in some kind of supreme being, which I understand. To each their own. Just don't try to convince me of any of that. Although I confess, I still think there is a possiblity of their being spirits or similar beings out there who may or may not contact us at times. But that remains to be seen, also. I guess I'm just open to any possiblities out there, if they present themselves.
As far as my DFd status goes, my mother hasn't called me in months, probably bc I got upset the last time we talked; I sent my older JW sister, Kathy a card just lettng her know that me and Jordan are thinking of her, with my email and phone# in case she ever wanted to contact us - haven't heard anything yet, but ya never know; my elder Uncle Charlie is now officially a jerk, after completely ignoring my cousin Terrie (his daughter) when he was visiting his exwife, Terrie's mom, in the retirement home where Terrie works, not even saying hello let alone giving her a hug or showing any kind of affection whatsoever (she disassociated herself a few years ago). My Grama in OR is dying of Parkinson's, and mom didn't even call to tell me; thankfully she told my other sister, Alicia, who told me. I'm going to try and send a short letter, I just hope she actually gets to have it read to her, and "Dear Aunt Ruthie" doesn't throw it away.
10/17/01
This is really a sidenote about when I went to a church for the first time (NOT a JW Kingdom Hall) several months ago. My friend Pauline had been going there for a little while, and so I trusted her and went along. I just have to say that even though I’ve decided that I’m really not interested in religion anymore, the Chapel where she goes is the closest thing to "God" (if there is one) that I've ever been in. So many different people welcomed us when me and Jordan walked in! And keep in mind, that we did not wear dress clothes.
I went in black slacks and a sweater, Jordan in jeans and a nice sweater. Obviously, that is not even an issue there, because I saw a wide variety of dress amongst the people. Jordan liked going to the Sunday school in a separate room. They have different ages grouped seperately, so that they can all do age-appropriate activities, which I think makes much more sense than the Witnesses' method of madness which is:
....Make your baby, kid or teenager sit still for one or two boring hours without talking or barely moving other than 'taking notes' (drawing, if you can get away with it until your parent catches you), or listening to things they don't undestand that are directed at adults, following along in whatever book/magazine that is being discussed/studied or at least pretending to, and sometimes raising their hand to read off answers to questions asked at meetings that are printed in the books already.
Also, this Chapel had contribution boxes placed discreetly in their lobbies, and did NOT pass plates around for money, or even petition for it from the stage. Not once when I was there did they mention donating money to their church! Obviously, the impression that the "Society" gave us about greedy churches was a lie, also. Even at Kingdom Halls, contribution boxes are placed in the front of hall, not just in the lobby. Plus, they're always mentioning how we should give "freely" out of our own heart, to the "brothers"...and then mentioning all the different ways we could do that, such as cash donations, checks, loans, stocks, land, etc., etc.
I also liked how many songs they sang throughout the services. And a good majority of the people really expressed themselves, some putting their hands in the air or whatever. Can you imagine that at a Kingdom Hall? hehe...Also, there were handouts given out to everyone who came in the door about the chapel, about the day's sermon, and different services that are available, ways people can help, and be helped.
Since then, I have stopped going for my own reasons. But I still hear good things from Pauline - the church has helped her out with car repairs, in excess of $500, and she didn't even ask for it! Plus, a new clothes washer. This is from the church itself. I know for a fact that this would never happen in a JW congregation. There are many generous individual JWs I'm sure, who probably help people out when they feel like it. But I never experienced that. And if anyone ever needed helping out, boy did I ever! Single mom on welfare, then single poor working mom on foodstamps, with no transportation for years, and a crappy car for a couple years. Sure, Witnesses gave me rides to meetings, but it was a pain in the butt to have to keep calling for a ride, and rarely have anyone even offer in advance, and inquire if I needed something. Godly love? Generous hearts? that was always something I heard about at meetings, happening somewhere else; or in the Yearbooks, in other countries. Which I'm sure cannot be totally relied on in the first place, now that I know what I know.
One last thing about the chapel - No books and magazines - just the Bible. And at least half of the people had their own, and used them during the sermons! That was a surprise to me of course, because at JW meetings, they always tell us that JWs are so special because everyone at meetings looks up the scriptures, unlike at churches. More lies, of course.
10/17/01
So, to add on to what I said previously about a certain student in another class at BCTI; Now I am a little confused, because two days after I found out he was a witness, and I told him I was disfellowshipped, he was talking to me again, and then the day after that, he was ignoring me again. What the hell...? Anyways, I'm just going with the flow, and I guess I shouldn't judge him so hastily. I just hope that if he does decide that I am "bad association" because of being disfellowshipped, he would at least say so briefly, and not just not say anything, period. Maybe he's not baptized, or maybe he actually is confused about what he should do.
10/12/01
I have been attending computer school since April, and have ironically ended up in a small class with only two other people, one of which is a Witness. This has been very difficult to deal with. I see her get all this praise from instructors, mainly because she volunteers in the front office a few days a week. They don't realize that she, like all JWs, believe everyone at the school (and everywhere else) to be in the 'world', or, bad association. JWs believe that all those who do not become JWs before God's War of Armegeddon will die. So self-righteous, and not very loving.
I also noticed that she does not make her faith known, as JWs are always told to. What does she have to hide? Obviously, she is not that proud of it. The thing that gets me is that we could actually be friends, if she wasn't a JW. But of course, she is only allowed to talk with me because she can't very well ignore me when I'm one of only two in her class. And of course, we don't talk about religion, because if we did, I would tell her that I feel sorry for her because she is involved with a cult and she is ruining her son's life.
Recently, I have gotten to know another, younger student, and we like some of the same things. Then, one day recently, when we went out to the parking lot on the way home, I was standing outside his car, listening to his new stereo. I noticed a book on his dashboard called "Isiah's Prophecy". It didn't click at first. I asked him if he had gotten it from M***"(the witness woman in my class). He said no, and asked why I thought that. I said because it looked like something the Witness would publish, and that M*** is a Witness. Then he said that HE was also a Witness. I was so shocked! I couldn't believe it. Here I'm trying to get away from JWs, and I finally found someone that I actually have things in common with, and that I like to talk to, and he turns out to be a JW. It figures. So, of course I told him that I was disfellowshipped, not because I was ashamed, and wanted to do my "duty". Really, I am proud of the fact that I am NOT a JW, and why hide it? So of course he ended the conversation pretty quickly.
I wondered how he would treat me the next day. Well, I got my answer. After arriving early, I went up to him to tell him about the IQ test that he gave me a copy of that I was working on, and he just said "Cool", and went on working. Then, in keyboarding, we were sitting only two seats away from each other, and he completely ignored me. And of course, he was all buddy buddy with M***. I couldn't believe it. And here I thought he was so smart, and open minded, because he likes science fiction, and loves learning new things. I am very hurt, which surprised me a little, because I know I'm not really attracted to him as more than a friend, but I did think that we were becoming friends. But now, even though he previously apparently enjoyed talking to me about dragons, and joking around, and even though I have not done anything to him to cause him to dislike me, he is going to "shun" me because that is what he's been taught is the godly thing to do.
I am tired of being abandoned by everyone. My friend Pauline is really the only one that's been there for me. My sister has most of the time, also. You discover your true friends when you go through tough times, and they're the ones that are still there.
Screw you, JWs!!! You all only made me depressed, afraid of life and 'worldy' people, and judgemental.
I am happy to say that I will be graduating from my current course next month and moving on to the next course here at BCTI in January. I can only hope that I do not end up being surrounded by JWs there, also. I am not afraid to speak out, to say what I think about their hypocritical, judgemental, self-righteous ways.