My life as one of Jehovah's Witnesses
I remember going to "meetings" and having to sit so still, and take "notes" to keep me from going beserk. I remember as we got older, Dad falling asleep in the front row and snoring - then pretty soon, he stopped coming, always claiming that he wasn't feeling good. And yet, we were supposed to dutifly keep going to the meetings ourselves. Now, I wonder, if he just didn't want to go, why not say so? Because, JWs were always being told that if we really love Jehovah and the "Truth" we will go to all of the meetings (3 a week plus ministry and assemblies) even if we were tired or whatever.
I remember being taught that I shouldn't salute the flag, but saluting it anyways, all the way up through 4th grade because I was afraid of what other kids and the teacher would say.
I remember in 6th grade having to sneak out and lie to my parents to go to my one and only Halloween party, with non-JWs of course. Since I couldn't get a costume, I just wore a long dress that I had, and went as a princess. It was actually pretty fun, but I couldn't help feeling nervous the whole time, wondering if my witness "friends" or my parents would find out. They didn't. I told my sister Alicia, years later though. I remember always having to stand there in choir or music and feel stupid when everyone else was singing a holiday or patriotic song, and I couldn't. I love singing, always have, and I really wanted to sing anything, if it had a good melody. I used to secretly sing the Star Spangled Banner in my room when only Mom was home, and downstairs (bad hearing) or if I was alone, walking somewhere.
I remember wondering why we never planned vacations, or weekend activities or parties to supposedly make up for all of the holidays and birthdays that we "weren't" being deprived of. I thought childhood was supposed to be fun!
I remember telling my witness "friend" Shawna, this big story about how when my sisters and dad and I went to Disneyland (when I was a teenager) I met some Mexican guy in a Mariachi band, and we met outside the hotel one night, and kissed, blah blah blah. I made the whole thing up because I had just started noticing boys, and really wished I could get to know someone, or at least date. And when we had went to California and to Universal Studios, we did see a Mariachi band, and I dreamed about how cool it would be to do what I made up in the story. Well, in true JW fashion, Shawna decided to tell her mom, because JW's are encouraged to tell on other JWs when they do something they're not supposed to. Even kids! So, her mom came over and talked to my parents to see if they knew about it. And of course, I had to confess in front of them that it never happened. That's gotta be one of my most embarrassing moments, ever.
I remember going to all day conventions/assemblies, and wandering around, looking for people I know, and generally being bored out of my skull. The only people I looked forward to seeing at them, were the Nashes, having grown up buddies with John Nash, and developing a crush on his older brother Andrew for a while there, too.
I remember when my friend Michelle was "disasociated" (like being disfellowshipped, except the person was never baptized, just an associate or kid of a witness) and I couldn't talk to her for months, even though I really wanted to. Now, I 've come to realize that what was done to her, at only age 14 I think it was! was so cruel, and unloving. She should have been receiving counseling on how she was taken advantage of by an older boy, she should have had my and other JW's support - not condemnation. She was re-associated pretty soon, of course. But I still remember going over to her house, with her mom and other people in her family, and not being able to talk to Michelle.
I remember being so irritated by my older sister, Kathy, because she was such a goody goody two shoes, and always telling us what "Jehovah" says about this or that, or what the latest "Watchtower" or "Awake" had to say about something I did. I think she actually believed that sex in itself was evil! She's never had a real date, or slept with anybody, as far as I know. I feel somewhat sorry for her now, because she was always so much more into the bible (JW bible) more than me or my other sister, Alicia. She never got the chance to be a "woman". I think she has some kind of weird relationship with a man in a wheelchair she started a bible study with, but no sex. He sounds controlling, anyways, so I hope she doesn't go there with him, anyways. (ugh...) Now, she doesn't care to talk to me, except on the phone maybe once a year, to talk about our syndrome, or Jordan, or mom and dad. I actually see her in a better lite now, because I wish she would open her eyes and see how she's been wasting her life.She has alot to offer people, which she could do so much more, if she would stop being a JW, who basically say the the best way to help someone is to preach to them.
I remember not being able to say "Good Luck" to someone, having to try to come up with some other stupid phrase which never made sense. JWs of course go way overboard about saying good luck, by saying that saying good luck means that you are trusting in the God of Luck, which is the same as gambling.
Growing up, I guess I was so used to not celebrating holidays, I really didn't think about them much. But now I feel so cheated - Where are the presents that my parents never got us? If its true what JWs believe, that holidays are wrong, and parents can give presents to their children any day of the year, not on a specific day - where were ours????!!!! That was all just a fraud - To this day, I still have never had a birthday cake with candles on it. Even from my current friends. I am happy to be able to celebrate holidays with my son, especially Xmas. We do have fun decorating, and opening presents. I just hope that his dad doesn't totally brainwash him into not wanting to celebrate them with me, in the future.
I remember having a hard time making friends in our congregation, and wondering what was wrong with me. Was our family too poor, was I too ugly, too fat, not "strong enough in the Truth"? I only made a few friends at school, because we were not supposed to make "worldly" friends, and I never really got to do much with those in my congregation. I was so quiet, and didn't know how to make friends, because of being so afraid of everyone at school, or in the neighborhood, being told they would influence me in a bad way. If only I could replay my school years, I would be so much different! But then, I wouldn't have all of the experiences I have now, that would make me different.
I remember wondering how I was ever going to be happy - I hated going out in the service, and I coudn't find any JW guys that I really liked, who liked me. And of course, I coudn't aspire to be a famous singer, like I'd always wanted to be, because then I would be taking glory for myself instead of giving it to Jehovah. And of course, even though I was very interested in astrology, I never spoke about it, because that was of course demonized.
I remember thinking that I had to keep being a JW, if I ever wanted to see my deceased big/little brother, Dana, (parents' first child, died at 3 months) , in the "New System", or to get to be there for when my mom get her eyesight back again. Now, I think, boy, that sure was nice dream, but I don't see how it could be true, and why would I want to lie to myself and hope in something that is just a made up fantasy by some crazy old men? Now, I just want to try and make the best life I can for Jordan and myself, and try to get closer to Mom and Dad before they get too much older. If there is some sort of afterlife, I guess I'll be pleasantly surprised.
I remember when I first became aware of the child abuse, happening all around the world, right among people I knew, and feeling so sad, and angry that nothing was being done, and How could God allow this??? What did a little child ever do to deserve the horrible things that are done to them because they're too little to fight back. I remember having to try to ignore these feelings, because I was told that God was a god of love, and that everything bad was Satan's fault, and that I shouldn't say anything bad about Jehovah.
I remember wondering why does mom stay with dad, when he's always yelling, and screaming and swearing, and putting her down? And why we never said anything to anyone in the congreagation about how it scared us kids to always hear that going on in the next room, or downstairs, or upstairs. Probably because the "brothers" wouldn't have believed her, and would have told her to endure everything because he's her husband. Thanikfully now, he's on the right medicine, plus he has to take it easy since his major heart attack and surgery this past year.
What I especially remember, is all the times I went to my "Auntie Ruthie's house" and spent the weekend with her, and we would have so much fun, and later on, we would go visit her in Oregon, or she would sent presents or call. Well, apparently, I no longer exist now that I'm disfellowshipped. yup - that's some kind of family love there. Abandon your "favorite" neice when she really could use some support. Well, I'm not going to follow her example - I'm building a strong, loyal family, with Jordan, and Alicia, and even Ray to some extent that he lets me. And with whoever comes along hopefully in the future, that will love me just for me.
I remember being pregnant, working at Mcdonalds, divorced, and disfellowshipped. It's amazing that I didn't kill myself during that period of my life, because I sure felt like hell. Crying all the time. But at least the thought of having a son soon to be my very own, kept me from really thinking seriously about hurting myself. I remember being all by myself, watching TV, wanting to go out and meet people, but wanting to get reinstated again and telling myself that it was all for the best, that I should just wait it out, and then I would have my old friends back again when I was reinstated.
Well, I was reinstated, when Jordan was 5 months old. Mom and another witness had a huge baby shower for me, which was very nice. But hey - why not while I was pregnant, and desperately needed baby things, and support, and advice? Where was everyone then?
So, what do I do? I wait for Ray to love me again, for 7 long years.....NO SEX! No relationships! God, was I a fool. There was never any JWs that I wanted to marry. But of course how are you supposed to find out if you want to marry someone as a JW, when you are never allowed to be alone with a member of the opposite sex, and you weren't allowed to live with a guy unless you were married? Stupid rules.
I remember when I emailed my exfriend Michelle, either before or right after I was disfellowshipped the second time, a few years ago. She of course, quoted scriptures, and told me that I was misguided, and that I shouldn't listen to what all of the apostates had to say on the Internet, blah blah blah, but that she loved me and wished I would come back to the Truth because "you know it's the right thing to do". (gag me) She of course would not accept anymore emails, or send any back. Yeah, she loves me so much that she'll totally abandon me, and forget how much fun we used to have, and that I've been there for her and always loved her like a sister no matter what. Well - another bridge, burned...
When I have mentioned going to see a counselor to other witnesses, especially elders, they always cautioned me to be careful not to say anything negative about the orginization, and said that they recommended I talk to older sisters in the congregation instead, because "worldly" counselors would most likely try to influence me to stop going to meetings, or lose faith in the organization. I still can't believe that didn't trigger something in me in the past - I should have seen how controlling and uncaring they were when they said stuff like that. Why would I want to go to older woman in the congregation to talk about how living as a JW was stressing me out, because I was always feeling like I was never doing enough, and that the witnesses really didn't care about me, and that I wanted to find a husband to be equal partners with, not "under subjection to"? I needed to be free to say what I felt like without being judged. I finally did see a counselor, but not until after I was disfellowshipped and had also been raped and was going to get married to Ray again, the second time. It felt so good to be able to talk freely, and not feel like I always had to stick up for the JWs reputation, as if I care about that anymore. It's not like the JWs care anything at all about mine!
I think that it is now time to let all of these memories go, and just concentrate on my new life, and my new goals (which are on my Lair page, by the way) and just try to teach Jordan how to be a good person, and how to think for himself, and not let others think for him. Even though I have my bad days, very depressed, I usually bounce back, and look forward to whatever work or fun I can accomplish that day.
I hope that someone is helped by hearing my experiences, and I thank you for taking the time to read this. Be Happy.